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Retired

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Mama of a twoddler

It's hard to write as how I'd used to. Just before I started penning this post, I was revisiting my old entries in K's early months where every milestone or every little out-of-the-blue action from her amused me and inspired me to capture my thoughts in words. Somewhere along the way, I have evolved from being less of a caregiver to more of a zookeeper. I realized that previously, every little way I cared for her was a huge deal. From her sounds, her physical development, her feeding, her pooping etc. Nowadays, I find myself more preoccupied by behavioral issues. If she is polite, if she is whiney in a manipulative way, if she knows a word, if she helps me clean up, if she is successful putting on the shoe on her own. I feel like I am a hawk, circling above her but not descending upon her. There is a distance. A detachment of sorts where Keina is finding her way to her independence. By independence here I don't mean by being by herself but rather being able to perform tasks as per her will or understand how she needs to behave to be able to achieve an outcome.

Because of her verbal skills, she has also grown to be a clever negotiator, mimicking me and when I am exasperated, I feel she is mocking me. I could say no to giving her more crackers and she would ask "a little bit?" Or I would say that we need to go out and she would ask to "bring her bag". So far, it's been containable. I can limit her by either distracting her by offering her something else at a later time or telling her that she can only bring whatever fits into her bag. Oh yes, "later" is another of her favorite word in the hope of me saying yes which I often find that I can. She hasn't learnt that "later" can be stipulated by time. She hasn't learnt how to ask "when?" Haha.

In music class, she has grown the most. She is now singing along loudly and proudly when she feels like it. Follows Angi, the teacher, when she instructs. Dances with abandon and moves (almost) to the rhythm/tempo of the music. Especially the Hello song, she has learnt to pat her thighs to the song as she sings. To my ears, she seems on key most of the time but I am not worried as I was told they learn by singing offkey first. I can always make out whatever she is singing but being the independent twoddler, she has started to reject my singalong with a firm "no thank you" in I happen to chime in. Maybe she just wants to hear herself and I shouldn't feel personal about my singing? And there was this one episode that in class, another little girl wanted to help clean up after the instrument playalong session and grabbed the instrument out of Keina's hands to put it back into the box. Keina balled loudly for the first time ever. She has never thrown a tantrum in class and that really upset her as she had wanted to put back the instrument by herself. It was very hard to console her but she calmed down after a bit when I explained to her that she could do it by herself the next time.

Oh the tantrums. The tantrums and whinning often leave me exasperated.

Speaking of which, she is crying and awaken and I have to go back and lie down with her. Obviously, apart from the weaning, she hasn't progressed much with the sleep but I am exhausted anyway.

Will have to write about the tantrums another day. It is not so much the tantrum but how unnerving it is and how it riles up my angry self which I have to tame.

Oyabaka OYBK news

OYBK #1

K fav song is I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus

OYBK #2

She pretends she has facebook on her toy mobile

OYBK #3

She sings and improvises on her songs every day

OYBK #4

She was looking at supermarket shelves with me and asked aloud "what should we eat tmr?"

OYBK #5

She understands the concept of a doctor's visit will make her do better and willingly accepts any treatment- even a capsule in her ass

OYBK #6

She tells her soft toys like Astroboy and Elmo to "good girl" and "wait a while"

OYBK #7

Her fav catch phrase is "whichever"

OYBK #8

Her playtime is usually pretend cooking, singing, reading, pretend mama.

OYBK #9

Food makes her very happy and she will sing for food

OYBK #10

She wants to put on clothes or do everything else by herself. She tells me "no thank you" and if defeated asks to "do together" or if angry says "no papa" just to assert herself and be able to have the last word!!!

Twoddler's Twoddles

= Named her grey long stuff dog- Nevermind

= Mumbles to herself 'I'm thinking' and 'What shall I buy' and 'Too expensive' when playing kitchen alone whilst I cook

= Put some wooden coasters together and called it a 'hamburger'

(I just love her imaginative play. It feels amazing to see how such a little being has so much creativity in her innocent mind.)

= Improvises her own songs and switches up lyrics and storylines to amuse herself such as the 'Who put the frog in the kitchen sink'

= Drinks from cup without spilling most of the time except when mischievious

= Has some concept of weekdays and Saturday/Sunday when Papa is home

= Loves the color purple

= Appreciates a band-aid over her wound

= If you ask her what time it is, she usually says '7 o'clock''

= Looks at books when alone

= Counts up to 5 accurately

= Blows out her own 2 y/o candles

= Hates the diaper and takes it out by herself sometimes

= Poos by herself and rewarded with a Dora sticker

= Was an amazingly well-behaved girl at the dentist and allowed the dentist to brush her teeth without a whim and after which, we are now able to properly brush her teeth at night

= Very conversational and when in doubt, grins and says 'わかない' or 'I don't know' (depending on her mood)

= Has at least one 'throw-oneself-on-the-floor-dramatically' tantrum a day which I ignore until she cools down

= Understands and asks to 'exchange' things

= Loves waterfalls, big, small or manmade in the bath tub with 2 cups

= Puts her ear to the speakers to try to singalong

= Heard my uncle call my aunt a 'わに' (crocodile) in jest and she never forgot to call her that, to our embarrassment

= Gets up and down the high chair by herself

= Loves the paper key I made for her and brings it out when she can

= Very excited about Christmas and Santa Claus (though they were both encouraged by Naoki and Jo respectively)

Weaned

The biggest milestone to date would be her sleep pattern.

Whilst on holiday in the month of Sep/Oct in Singapore, my mother attempted with me to sleep train her without the boob. And the cries of protest when she wakes, suffering from a boob-withdrawal were heartbreaking for us but we stuck it out. The sobs are very dramatic and loud to the point where sometimes I thought she might have a seizure of sorts. And most certainly, without the steadfastness of my mom believing that I should not give in at any point, I wouldn't have gotten through those terrible moments where I wanted to give up and comfort her in my arms.

Why did I start to sleep train her to begin with?

Firstly, she started to fall asleep after she finished nursing when before, she always fell asleep whilst nursing. That made me feel that it was possible for her.

Secondly, she was increasingly communicative and I devised ways to convince her that there was no more nursing at night. Though I did for a period transition by nursing her once a day. In some way that was me not being able to fully let go as well. And when my mom pointed out how confusing it might be for an addict like her, I gradually stopped as well. With saying no, I taped my boobs with uncomfortable scotch tape and also applied those chinese medical ointment to deter her desires.

Nursing is indeed a complicated relationship. I actually thought weaning was a harder process than the beginning of having to try to nurse her at first, and I used to compare the beginning of nursing to be harder than the labor itself. I guess with every great joy and discovery of her growth, I would find a challenge in every corner that defines and makes up the spectrum of this journey called motherhood.

So to round this weaning note quickly. Keina is now sleeping at least 6-10h straight in most nights and this has been an incredible milestone in that I feel like I have a bit more of myself back and more sanity. On hindsight, it was very emotionally consuming on top of the physical lack of sleep on my part. Thus, now, I am trying to sleep train myself even when I awake at night to find her sleeping soundly.

It all sounds a little too easy and this casualness comes from hindsight. Those nights of having to hear her cry were very heartbreaking. And once in a while these days, if she has had a disturbing sleep (I think some kind of nightmare she does not know how to verbalize yet), she still has her inconsolable sobs and asks for the boob. I can only wait till the episode ends. Sometimes it takes more than half an hour. If I am lucky, she is placated by having her hand inside my clothes which is what she tends to do these days when we lie down to sleep together. It's her way of keeping her guardians close. My mom said that K did that with her whilst weaning too. When I want to cuddle her to comfort her, I get rejected at those times when she is crying for the boob. It seems to be too much for her to be near me yet not nurse.

This is the worst breakup. And my baby is a baby no more.